


Sweet Child of Mine

by Off_to_Neverland



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eventual Fluff, Gen, Hurt Steve, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:14:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4618053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Off_to_Neverland/pseuds/Off_to_Neverland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year after being de-iced, Steve Rogers is struggling to cope with living in a modern world without his other half. Something has to give. Who will save Steve from himself? A child perhaps...a child Steve was never supposed to meet in this world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bucky_barnes481](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucky_barnes481/gifts).



It had been roughly one year since Steve Rogers returned to the modern world after being de-iced. To say the year had been a whirlwind was putting it mildly. It was full of catching up on music, movies and historical wars which he had been absent for. It was full of learning that most of those he loved were dead or so out of their minds that they could barely remember him. However, the worst hit had come when he recalled that day on the train all over again, a day that haunted his dreams night after night ever since. Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes was dead. 

That wasn’t even the worst part, however, because James Buchanan Barnes’ mother, was also dead. Steve could not keep his promise to her. He could not return to her as he had promised her in a letter upon Bucky’s death. That made the reality too real and Steve’s mind had been sent into a tailspin from that moment on. 

How did he cope? How else would any super soldier cope? He went to the gym and hit the bags. He put everything he had in him into punch after punch. Had he been anyone other than Captain America, he probably would have broken every single one of his knuckles with the punches he threw. However, he wasn’t just anyone. He _was_ Captain America.

The fact is, ever since coming out of the ice, Steve Rogers had become restless. Sure, he became an Avenger and formed bonds with his teammates that were something akin to friendship. He would never admit to friendship because right now friendship was an attachment that he couldn't handle. All his friends were dead. He could not open himself up to that all over again. He could not open himself up to what he once had. Plus, none of them compared to Bucky. No one ever could. Nothing could replace that loss and honestly, he didn’t think he wanted anything to. Plus, the pain of the loss was still fresh. Nearly 70 years on ice and the pain of the loss began anew the moment he was defrosted and returned to the world. It was like a punch in the gut, over and over again. He wanted to throw up and cry, all at the same time. He also felt as if he were drowning. Surely, death by hypothermia would have been a better fate than this.

Honestly, being Captain America came with a lot of pressure and expectations. Sometimes those expectations were the only thing which kept Steven Grant Rogers in tact. That pressure kept his head on straight because every mission was an opportunity to be that much closer to Bucky. It would be so easy to just take things a step too far; it would be so easy to simply sacrifice himself and join Bucky in wherever it is people went when they died. Heaven, that ethereal land he had learned about as a boy. Sometimes he wondered if it even existed, but when it came down to it he had to hope that all this suffering would have a purpose. 

"Hey Capsicle, we need you downstairs." The familiar voice spoke over the intercom. 

Another day. Another mission. Another opportunity to sacrifice himself to save the world. Yes, being Captain America symbolized many things, but his death could cause a rally among those who called him friend and those who idolized him. That didn't matter to him though. All he knew was the more dangerous the mission, the better his chances. It would have been so much easier if his crash into the ice had been successful. At least that was how he saw it. He did not see the beloved hero and symbol of American strength. He saw a broken man who simply longed for his soul to once more touch it's missing piece. He longed to feel whole again and with each dangerous mission he felt as if he was one step closer to achieving that goal. 

"On my way." Steve spoke as the intercom clicked off. He grabbed the bag with his uniform and his shield and took the elevator down to the communal floor where he knew the team would be waiting. His team. The only people in the world who could make Steve feel even a semblance of life within his heart. However, even they could not keep the devastation from coming to a head every single time he closed his eyes. They could not erase the memory that he had not been good enough to save the single most important person in his life. Their presence could not make him desire to continue on with a gaping hole in his heart. 

It was with a slow step and melancholy eyes that Steve finally met his team. He took a seat beside Natasha, offering her a half-hearted smile that he hoped she would not notice or question. He just wanted to hear about the mission and get moving.

"So, now that America's golden boy arrived can we get this briefing started?" Natasha asked, winking at Steve as he sat beside her on the couch. 

"Please do. I wasn’t aware everyone was waiting for me." Steve responded, watching Stark for the mission briefing he assumed would be coming from his mouth. However, when Tony sat down and Bruce Banner stood up, Steve became a bit curious in spite of himself. 

"So...obviously I’m not usually the one to do this...but...well, circumstances with this current mission are...different.” Bruce began, pausing a moment and clenching, then unclenching his hands. These little nuances and the fact that Steve Rogers noticed them, could pick up on them, demonstrated that despite the fact he wouldn’t acknowledge it...the other Avengers were his friends. He cared for them. They cared for him. Steve Rogers simply wouldn’t admit it because admitting he had friends meant admitting that wanting to die would be leaving others behind, just as he had been left behind already. “Anyway, it seems that HYDRA has something brewing and we have found a base...a lab, really, far too close for comfort. We don’t know much about what is in this lab, but in hacking into the database, we can confirm that Dr. Arnim Zola is the one that the HYDRA agents answer to.”

“So...what is our mission here, Bruce?” Natasha asked, raising her eyebrows and demonstrating an impatience that Steve was familiar with. The mission was always the important part to her, and honestly Steve didn’t mind because each dangerous mission brought him one step closer to his end game. It brought him one step closer to Bucky, his Bucky. 

“To get into the lab and take it down. We don’t need HYDRA anywhere near our turf.” Tony answered, standing up and moving to stand beside Bruce. It was obvious that Tony Stark was unable to sit down and be a spectator for once. He needed to take charge and so, he did. 

Steve tuned out a vast portion of the briefing. All he knew was that HYDRA was still around, even now, nearly 70 years after he had fought The Red Skull and crashed into the ice. He also knew that if he was looking for that final battle, a worthier cause could not possibly be found than taking down a base so close to the Avenger’s home. So, as Tony spoke, Steve Rogers began to make his peace, content with the knowledge that this could be the opportunity he was looking for to end it all and yet allow Captain America to go down with honor. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve meets the baby and learns just whose DNA Dr. Arnim Zola used to create him.

The mission into the HYDRA lab was deceptively easy. Steve knew in that moment that there was something wrong judging by the pure fact that they were literally able to just walk into the base. That was certainly not something typical of HYDRA. It seemed to Steve to be more of a trap than anything else, yet he couldn’t be certain. Plus, he knew that was not about to stop the Avengers from delving in deeper and attempting to eliminate the lab that had cropped up far too close to home for comfort.

The team decided to split up once inside the base despite the ease with which they had gotten inside. Steve offered to go off on his own while the others paired up. He didn't give anyone the opportunity to argue before he was running down a long hallway, shield in hand. No one, aside from maybe Tony in his suit, could catch up to Steve and it seemed no one was bothering. They had bigger fish to fry, as the moment Steve began running he heard yelling and gunfire begin. Yes, it had been deceptively easy to get inside but now the real fun was beginning. Besides, there was too much ground to be covered to argue over who would go off alone. The others could team up quite easily without him and he preferred going in alone anyway. There would be no one to stop him if things went awry. The more risk, the better chance he’d be reunited with Bucky once more. 

Steve ran down a long hallway, confused by the lack of HYDRA agents. He could still hear the gunfire and fight he’d left behind, but he was beginning to wonder if this was a trap. This corridor was long and empty. Too empty. However, no sooner had the thought come to him than he heard the cock of a gun and turned just in time to grab it and hit the agent over the head with it before it would have pierced through his suit. 

Steve had multiple encounters like that before he finally reached the end of the hallway and saw a green glow coming from the doorway ahead. Steve leaned against the wall, listening for anything that could clue him into what was ahead. Yet, the only sound the super soldier heard was complete and utter silence. A strange feeling resided in the pit of his stomach, one might consider it fear, but Steve Rogers didn’t understand fear. He never had. Steve was someone who stood up to bullies, even when he was all of 90 pounds and didn’t stand and icicle’s chance in hell of making it out unscathed. Running away was not a concept he understood and he was not about to start now simply because of silence. Trap or not, Steve Rogers was going to finish this mission, one way or another. The more risk, the better. 

Steve took a deep breath before rushing into the doorway, freezing when he saw just what he had walked into. The room was nearly empty, with the exception of a lone figure and an oversized test tube. The man, a figure Steve was well acquainted with, held the test tube in his arms and he wore a satisfied smirk upon his face as he spied the red, white and blue clad avenger. This was far from what Steve expected and he knew that a change of plans would be necessary in this situation because he could not leave any defenseless being in the hands of the enemy, especially not Arnim Zola. He was responsible for far too many mishaps in Steve’s life. It was time that he actually died, at least that’s what Steve thought. Though, Steve was not one to murder unless absolutely necessary, Zola’s presence alone brought up some rather unpleasant memories to say the least. 

“Captain Rogers...I thought you’d never come!” Zola taunted Steve, the smirk never leaving his face. In fact, the HYDRA doctor seemed almost satisfied that Steve Rogers had come alone. Zola was cornered, with no agents in sight, however, he looked as if this was his plan all along. 

“What do you want, Zola?” Steve’s voice was, for lack of better word, annoyed. His entire plan had to change because of the contents of the oversized test tube and Zola had the gall to taunt him? He had lost enough because of Zola, why on earth would Zola think Steve wouldn’t show up where he was involved? He had every right to kill him. However, the test tube he was using as a shield contained something rather strange...something that Steve could not ignore. He could not fight Zola while he held that in his hands. 

“I want to see the look on your face when you learn just what it is I hold here…” Zola stated, holding up the test tube. 

Steve knew what was in the test tube. He could see the chest rise and fall. The baby was asleep, but it was still clear that somehow Zola had grown a baby in a test tube and that he was using that baby to keep himself safe, as the doctor was ever selfish. This, however, was a new low even for Zola.

“Well, I think you’ll be disappointed to know that even after so long in the ice, I still know what a baby is.” Steve muttered, rolling his eyes. He didn’t have time for games. He wanted to destroy Zola once and for all, to get revenge for all the man had done. However, most of all, he longed to destroy himself in doing so. He wanted to be reunited with Bucky. He couldn’t do that, however, while Zola used a innocent baby as a shield. 

“Ah yes...but do you know whose DNA is in this child? Do you know what it is I hold within my arms right now?” 

Steve could only stare, his eye narrowing as he looked at the child sleeping within the tube. He was taking it in. The tube held some type of gel, which made it hard to tell what color the infant’s hair was and with closed eyes, it was impossible to see his eye color. Even so, there was something about the structure of the little baby’s cheek bones that was so familiar. The jawline, while tiny, was one that Steve had seen before. Yet, his mind could not place it and that only caused him to glare at Zola. 

“What game are you playing, Zola? Put the baby down.” Steve didn’t like where Zola was holding the baby. There were two ways he could escape right now and Steve wanted to get that baby to safety. He did not want another innocent life tainted by Zola more than it probably already had been. 

“Game? Captain America thinks I am playing a game!” The laugh that escaped the doctor’s mouth made Steve sick to his stomach. It was a sardonic laugh, a laugh of ill-intent and Steve knew that the only way he was leaving with that baby safely in tow would be if he forced Zola into a confrontation. However, he wanted answers before doing that. He wanted to know whose DNA was in that child, to know what he was up against. 

“Give me that child, Zola.” Steve made one quick step toward the man, backing him against a wall and solidifying the final move of this confrontation. If he wanted to escape, he would need to give Steve the baby. 

“In time, in time, Captain. I ask you again...do you want to know whose DNA this child holds?”

“Zola…” Steve didn’t have time to say more because within moments he heard the sound of footsteps and he knew that the other Avengers were near. He could hear the sound of Tony’s lasers and could feel the ground shaking beneath the Hulk. They were coming and if Zola wished to escape, he would need to do just as Steve predicted he would and toss the baby, giving Steve a choice between saving the innocent child and chasing the doctor. 

Despite the fact that Steve knew what Zola would do, he was wholly unprepared for the man to remove the baby from the tube first and to throw the now screaming baby toward him. Steve tossed his shield aside and darted forward, holding his arms out and using his super soldier speed to propel him forward, diving onto his chest to catch the screaming and crying infant in his arms, breaking the baby’s fall with his own. He looked down at the tiny baby in his arms and breathed a quick sigh of relief when he saw the rise and fall of the baby’s chest. The infant had stopped crying in pure shock, but he was still alive and well.

It was as Steve was pushing himself up, knowing he would have some healing bruises from the dive, that Zola finally decided to call out the answer to the question he had been asking Steve. Whose DNA was within the infant Steve now cradled in his muscular arms? 

“Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes’ DNA, Captain America!” 

Steve Rogers froze, staring at the doorway through which Zola had escaped. The sound of the other Avengers approach and the HYDRA agents they were battling was lost on Steve, as he looked down at the child and instantly knew why he knew those cheekbones and saw for the first time the bright blue eyes looking up at him. Bucky’s eyes. 

Bucky’s eyes were etched so brightly in his memory, always smiling for him and encouraging him, even when he had been a sickly, 90lbs soaking wet kid from Brooklyn, those blue eyes had lit up his world. He had sought their approval and now they looked at him from the innocent orbs of an infant, an infant who needed Steve and who just might be all he had left of Bucky. How, he did not know but that question was far from his mind as he grabbed his shield, placing the infant safely upon it and fled the HYDRA lab. He needed to take the baby far, far away from the fighting. He couldn’t think amid chaos. He needed silence to determine just what he had gotten himself into. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments. I'm having a lot of fun writing this story and I just hope that you all continue to enjoy it. I just want to warn everyone that chapters are likely to come slower now, as I am going back to work after a summer off, so I shall have less time to write. I will try to keep them coming ASAP, but updates will definitely not be as frequent as I'd like.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers is absolutely clueless as to what to do with the baby he rescued, good thing he meets a fan who has some pointers for the new Daddy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for sticking with me and reading. Please note that I don't have a beta at this moment, so while I am re-reading and working to edit and fix things before I post, I may miss things from time to time. I am enjoying writing this though and I hope no one is disappointed! I promise once Steve gets the baby home there will be a lot more fluff coming your way.

Steve Rogers fled, baby on shield, to the only place he had ever called home, Brooklyn. He had no apartment or home in Brooklyn, but he knew that no one would think to follow him or find him there. He also knew he’d be able to think more clearly there. So, still suited up he ran from the HYDRA lab, watching his back to ensure no one followed him, and ran through the streets of Manhatten and across the Brooklyn bridge. For anyone else the run may have been exhausting. However, Steve Rogers was Captain America. Between the super soldier serum pumping through his veins and the adrenaline which kept him moving, he made the trip with ease. 

Once in Brooklyn, however, Steve realized that he had no idea what he was doing, and he didn’t just mean in Brooklyn. He didn’t have a single clue what to do with a baby, especially one so small. However, the infant looked up at him with those innocent blue eyes and Steve knew there was no turning back. This baby began as an experiment, but Steve wasn’t about to turn him over to someone else, to allow him to become a lab rat. He was going to show him love because god knows it’d be what Bucky would want, if Bucky knew he had a baby out there with his DNA. The thing is, Bucky was gone and until now Steve wanted to be gone with him. However, with a little miniature Bucky staring up at him, Captain Rogers was beginning to realize seeking death was no longer an option. This baby needed him. 

That, however, is when another thought struck him. He could not keep calling the infant “this baby.” It needed a name. However, Steve had no idea what to name him. Of course, James crossed his mind but that name also brought with it a whole plethora of guilt and pain. Steve didn’t want to feel such negative emotions every single time he looked at the baby. He wanted to be able to love this infant and to learn how to father him. So, James was out. 

As Steve was walking the familiar Brooklyn streets, he spied a mailbox with a name on it, Mr. Ian Campbell. Ian. He could name the baby, Ian. That name held no attachment, positive or negative, for Steve and would give the squirming infant in his arms a clean slate. 

“Ian Rogers.I think that is a suitable name, what about you little man?” Steve asked, his voice soft and gentle, as he glanced down at the dark haired, blue eyed infant upon his shield. As if to answer Steve’s question, baby Ian seemed to cease his squirming and to close his eyes, his breathing evening out as he fell asleep upon Steve’s shield. 

Steve didn’t know it, but the paternal instincts within him were already activating. He might not consciously know what to do, but somewhere deep down he could learn and it all began with the act of naming the child and taking on the responsibility of fathering him. Ian Rogers, the name was simple but it held with it all the responsibility that Steve’s own father had neglected. He would try to be better than his own father, to raise this child as his mother had taught him in his father’s absence. However, he knew that he’d need help. He couldn’t be Captain America and father a small, innocent being alone, especially when he had no idea where to begin. He was trained to be a soldier, not a fighter. Hell, he was still adjusting to this very time. How was he supposed to be a good father when there were still times that he didn’t know what it was he was doing? 

Steve was interrupted from his thoughts by the honking of a horn and the realization that he had almost walked into the middle of a busy road. Even so, he saw the lit sign for a drug store across the street. Looking at the infant, he knew that there were some key items he’d need to purchase to care for little Ian. So, he ceased his aimless wandering and changed course, heading into the drug store, still in his uniform and with Ian nestled and calmly sleeping upon his shield. 

“You’re Captain America!” A voice behind him spoke, causing Steve’s head to snap in the direction of the voice. It was that of a young woman, maybe sixteen at most, and her face was red and blushing as she looked at him. Of course, Steve was used to such interactions but right now, with a sleeping baby nestled on the shield in his arms, he had to hope that the voice wouldn’t startle Ian awake.

“Shh...please, he just got to sleep.” Steve found himself saying, as if on impulse. He looked down to ensure that Ian was, in fact, still sleeping before glancing at the teenager. 

“I am so sorry...I didn’t realize...wait, since when does Captain America have a baby?” 

“Since tonight...please, I need to get some things. Actually, maybe you can help me…” Steve said, trailing off. He knew that when he was in school, though it was so long ago things could have changed, everyone had to learn about pregnancy and childbirth in health class. If that was still the case, perhaps this teenager would be able to help him figure out what he needed to buy for little Ian, as Steve was at a total and utter loss. 

“Help you? How?” The girl seemed completely shocked and her eyes widened as she looked up at Steve. Of course, no one would expect that Captain America, America’s Golden Boy, would be asking THEM for help. Even so, Steve looked like a lost puppy as he hoped that she would be able to help him. 

“I need to buy some things for Ian but I’m not really sure what I need…” Steve mumbled, a bit embarrassed to admit how incredibly clueless he was when it came to the baby he had rescued. 

“You’re telling me that YOU have a baby and you don’t know what you need to take care of him?” The girl laughed and Steve only found himself blushing. He was an American icon but when it came to babies, he was at a total loss. “Alright...alright. I’ll help you. Though, will you at least take a picture with me so my friends will believe me if I tell them I met you?”

“Deal.” Steve was asked often enough to take pictures or to sign autographs. It seemed that his de-icing had made him an instant celebrity and he could go nowhere without someone recognizing him and begging for a “selfie” or picture. Right now, he figured that it was a small price to pay if the teenage girl could help him gain the tools needed to care for baby Ian. 

“So...do you have ANYTHING for him? Diapers? Formula? Clothes? Blankets? Pacifiers? Anything at all?” 

Steve simply blinked at her. He, of course, knew what many of those items were but he didn’t see why she was asking him if he had these things when it was very obvious that he didn’t. The blanket currently wrapped around Ian had been stolen from the lab as he fled with Ian. There was nothing else upon Ian’s body. 

“No. I only have the blanket he’s currently wrapped in.” Steve answered, as if the answer wasn’t obvious by the look upon his face as she had begun listing the items off. 

“My name’s Hope, by the way.” The teenager stated, grabbing a handbasket and motioning for Steve to follow her.

“Nice to meet you, Hope. I appreciate this.” 

“Who’s the mother?” 

Steve’s eyes widened and he looked down at Ian and that back at Hope. That had not been a question he was expecting. However, he also had no answer to that. Ian had been made in a test tube. The only thing Steve knew about the baby is that Zola claimed Bucky’s DNA ran through his veins. Anything else was lost on Steve. Hell, he couldn’t even be sure Zola wasn’t lying, well aside from the fact that Ian’s eyes were very much Bucky’s eyes. 

“You don’t know...do you? That’s alright. Though, I dunno why anyone would give up Captain America’s baby….” 

“You have the wrong idea, Hope. No one gave Ian up and he was not...he is not my son, well he is now but he was not...sorry, what I mean is...I saved Ian. It is a bit complicated but I saved him and now he’s my son.” Steve commented, sighing as Ian began to fuss, as if on cue. Steve was in over his head. There was no denying that. However, there was also no turning back. 

“I would suggest taking him off the shield, Cap. I mean...that can’t really be comfortable for a baby.” Hope commented, chuckling a bit as she began to grab the items she listed off and to place them into the hand basket. 

“Oh..right.” Steve agreed, moving to lift Ian off of the shield, balancing him in one arm and the shield in the other a bit awkwardly. 

“No! That isn’t how you hold a baby, Cap!” Hope laughed once more and grabbed Ian from Steve’s arms, holding the hand basket over her wrist and cradling the child in the crook of her arm. “You hold him like this. You have to support his head.” 

“Oh…” Steve commented, feeling a bit embarrassed once more but moving to place his shield upon his back to free his arms for Ian. He held them out, mimicking how Hope was holding Ian and watching as she placed the fussy infant back in his arms. 

The moment Ian was back in Steve’s arms, the whimpering and fussing stopped. Actually he began to make a strange sound which startled Steve more than anything else. It was a high pitched sound, yet Ian’s eyes were smiling and his little tiny hands were clenching and unclenching toward Steve. They were reaching for him and he was...laughing. Was he laughing? Steve struggled to tell but it looked like the infant had a smile on his face as he squirmed slightly before finally curling up a bit more and settling with a tiny sigh in Steve’s arms. 

“See, that’s all he wanted, Cap! He likes you. He was cooing away.”

“Is that what that was?” Steve asked, his momentary heart attack easing as he looked down at the content infant in his arms, clearly smiling now, his sleepy eyes peering up at Steve. 

“You haven’t had a lot of experience with babies...have you?” Hope asked, chuckling a bit more as she looked at the diapers. “Do you know how big he is? Diapers go by size. I mean, I can guess if you don’t know…”

“No, that obvious, huh?” Steve blinked once asked about the diapers. It seemed he was giving Hope that clueless look more often than not. He had never really been around babies since he was a baby himself. The closest to holding a baby he had was during photo opportunities back when he was selling war bonds during the war. That was a long time ago and he was genuinely ignorant to the inner workings of fatherhood. 

“You look like a deer in headlights.” Hope teased, shaking her head and picking up a package of diapers as she glanced at Ian. “He’s bigger than a newborn, so I’m going to hope this is right. I mean, it’ll still work but if it’s big you may be cleaning a mess...if you even know how to change a diaper.” 

“As you probably guessed, I don’t but I guess I’ll learn.” Steve mused, chuckling. He didn’t have much choice but to learn. Honestly, he made a note to check a book on parenting, or a few, out of the library. He had a lot to learn if he wanted to raise Ian right. 

“You will….but I think you have all the basics now.” Hope stated, holding out the full hand basket to Steve and hanging it from his wrist. “Can I get that picture now?” 

Thus began Steve’s life as a father, in a small drug store on the corner of a Brooklyn street with a teenage girl guiding him on how to hold his new son and assisting him in gathering together the basic baby supplies. Steve had no regrets, especially as he held the infant close to his chest, listening to Ian’s steady breathing and knowing with his whole heart that this child was all that was left of Bucky. He would treasure Ian because Ian had saved his life in a way that the small babe would never truly understand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter. Please keep the comments and kudos coming, they keep me motivated to write. :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian Rogers reminds Steve of Bucky more and more as each day passes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter chock full of Daddy and Ian fluff. I had a lot of fun liking it and hope you enjoy it. Also, please note that I do not currently have a beta, so I try to read the chapters over for errors and to rewrite parts but I apologize in advance for anything I may miss in the process.

Ian grew like a leaf. He didn’t have the typical genetic growth of a newborn. No. Whatever Zola had done to create Ian, he grew quickly and his growth couldn’t be stopped. In turn, Steve had to learn quickly, not simply how to feed a newborn and change a diaper but how to raise a child and potty train one. He had to learn how to tend to skinned knees and how to stop the tears of a child who’d been hurt by another’s words. He was glad that Ian had Bucky’s DNA and not his own, as it meant that while he was growing into a scrappy child, he was far from the skinny, sickly little waif Steve had been. Honestly, Steve worried that Ian’s constant aging would never slow, but as he got past his infancy and became a toddler, his aging seemed to slow and Steve only hoped that this route would continue until he aged more normally. Regardless, Steve was in it for the long run. He felt he had failed Bucky in letting him fall. He was not losing all he had left of Bucky, without doing his best to prove his love for the boy.

Just the same, within a few months of his arrival, sleepless nights had given way to nights with a scared Ian running into his bedroom and cuddling because of some monster in his dreams. Each month it seemed that the baby aged another year. By the time summer gave way to fall, Ian was the size of a three year old and he could speak like one too.

Steve was fathering him, learning from books and tv shows on parenting. He was raising Ian to always stand up for what he believed in and to always defend the weak. He stood up to bullies on the playground and at the daycare Steve had enrolled him in. Steve for his part, was playing the part of both father and hero. Avenger by day, father by night. He did his best and regardless of how inadequate and unprepared he felt, Ian seemed to love him.

Halloween was fast approaching and the images on the tv and outside of the apartment window did not escape little Ian Rogers, nor did the friends his father kept around, those helping to raise him. Ian had sat with a SHIELD babysitter many times while the Avengers went into battle. He had stolen peeks at his Dad in his Captain America uniform, watching on a SHIELD monitor, frightened as the Avengers battled. He remained glued to the monitor until his babysitter either picked him up and removed him from the room or gave up trying to stop the boy. Watching his father and hero battle gave Ian ideas and as Halloween approached, the ideas festered in the little one’s head, until he knew he had to do something about it.

So it was on a lazy, fall day in October that Steve awoke to giggles and his entire bed shaking as his son, the energetic little boy that he was becoming, jumped on the bed to wake him up. He groaned, teasingly, pulling a pillow over his head and making a show out of now wanting to get up, more for Ian’s sake than anyone else’s. This was a game he had played with Bucky as young boys as a sleepover, grumpy Steve Rogers never wanting to wake up with the sun. Of course back then he had been awake, watching Bucky sleep, and the act had been a coverup. This, however, was an act to make little Ian with his long dark hair and wide blue eyes giggle. It worked too, as he heard the giggles even before the boy had reached his little hands out to move the pillow.

“Daddy, get up! Ya gotta get up ‘cause I got somethin’ I wanna ask ya!” The little boy said, reaching out to open one of Steve’s eyelids, startling the man and causing the super soldier to gently grab the boy’s wrist to keep him from doing such a thing again.

Steve opened his eyes now, looking at Ian, his son, as the boy jumped into a sitting position beside him. He was pouting now, the hand on his wrist keeping him from moving to wake Steve and seeming to “ruin his fun.” Those were words Steve had become accustomed to hearing whenever he stopped the mischievous little tyke from playing a prank that could unintentionally harm someone or from doing something that the boy considered fun. Steve wasn’t trying to be a party pooper, but he was trying to discipline the boy, to raise him to know when he was going to far. He was trying to teach him right from wrong. He didn’t want him to turn out anything like the man who created him, power-hungry and cruel.

“Stop pouting, Ian. I’m awake.” Steve stated, releasing his son’s wrist and reaching up to ruffle the boy’s hair. Every single day he looked at the other, he was reminded of Bucky. Sometimes it sent a piercing pain through the super soldier’s heart, but most times it made him smile one of the lazy, easy smiles that had always been reserved just for Bucky. He loved him and Ian was more and more like him by the day. Steve saw nothing wrong with that, especially because the young boy was bringing Steve back, giving him a reason to keep going once more. He was restoring the super soldier’s heart and giving him the hope he needed to remain positive, to keep living and to now allow circumstances to change him, as they had once changed his own father.

“Daddy, why ya lookin’ at me like that ‘gain?” Ian questioned, a curious look coming upon those blue eyes. He moved to lay down beside Steve, moving one arm to hug Steve and curling the other underneath him as he cuddled into his dad’s side.

“Like what?” Steve asked, coming out of his reverie and glancing at Ian. He hadn’t realized he had been staring at his son, but now he looked at him with knowing eyes and reached over to comb a hand through Ian’s unruly hair. “You need a haircut.”

“I dunno, sometimes ya give me this weird look like ya wanna say somethin’ but then ya don’t and no! I like my hair!” The boy looked about ready to throw a tantrum if Steve so much as looked at him the wrong way now and that wasn’t a tantrum Steve wanted to deal with right now. So, he’d drop the haircut subject and try to learn why Ian woke him up in the first place, maybe Ian would stop questioning the look then too. Steve had yet to speak with his son about Bucky, the memories still too seemingly painful to discuss, he didn’t want to start now even if the very expression which Ian wore now, as he looked curiously at Steve, was one he had seen on Bucky’s face many times. He always looked at Steve expectantly, curiously even after saving him from an ass kicking because Steve never knew when to skip out of a fight. That’s the curious expression which Ian wore now, the same one Bucky always wore when he found little 90 pound Steve Rogers in the middle of a fight because he just couldn’t let bullies get away with anything. He could just imagine Bucky now, saying the same like he said time and time again ‘you had him on the ropes, right?’ Steve shrugged off that memory and offered Ian a grin, leaning over to kiss the boy’s forehead.

“Alright, no haircut for you. I get it. What is it you wanted to tell me, Ian? You had an idea...I hope it isn’t anything too mischievous or I may have to say no and force you to get a haircut!” Steve reached over to tickle Ian’s belly, satisfied as the boy giggled gleefully, squirming and writhing until he sat up and his blue eyes landed on Steve with a pout. Steve knew what that meant. That look meant that he wanted Steve to sit up too. He obliged, of course, because he never could deny his son anything, not when he had that familiar pout.

“I got an idea for my Halloween costume but ya can’t come get it with me ‘cause it’s gonna be a surprise!” Ian told Steve excitedly, bouncing a bit where he sat.

“Who is going to take you to get it then, huh?” Steve asked, raising his eyebrows and teasing his son with more tickles, always enjoying hearing him giggle.

“Sam, duh!” Ian answered. “I already asked him!”

Steve shook his head. Of course his son had already asked Sam Wilson, a veteran Steve had met on a run soon after he had rescued Ian, to take him costume shopping. This was typical of the mischievous toddler, winning hearts and getting anyone to agree to his desires just by smiling that winning grin of his. Bucky had always been able to do the same thing as kids, while Steve was always the first suspect for mischief.

“When is Sam taking you to get this costume?” Steve asked, curious to know when Ian had even asked this of Sam, before remembering that Sam had babysat Ian the night before while Steve had been sent on a mission with Natasha. 

“This mornin’ which is why ya gotta get up ‘cause ya gotta take me to the store to meet him and then ya can leave ‘cause ya can’t see my costume ‘til Halloween!” Ian ordered, jumping off the bed and waving his little hand, motioning for Steve to follow. “I’m hungry too so we gotta get breakfast on the way.”

“Are you giving orders now, little man, because we are not leaving this house until you remember the manners I taught you.” Steve responded, chuckling to himself as he swung his legs over the bed, stood up and looked down at his son, arms crossed. He had taught Ian better manners. He didn’t order people around. He was supposed to use the magic words that Steve’s own mother had once taught him. 

“Okay...can we pwease get breakfast on the way to the store to meet Sam, Daddy?” Ian asked, his eyes pleading as he looked up at his dad.

Steve gave a nod, chuckling to himself once more as he observed for what felt like the millionth time just how much his son’s expressions reminded him of Bucky’s. “Yes, I’ll get you a donut on the way to meet Sam, let me just call him to make sure he really is meeting us there. You go show me what a big boy you are and get dressed.”

Steve Rogers watched as his son bolted out of the room and he heard the door of the boy’s own room creak open. Then, he heard the closet door slide open as his son began to choose an outfit. Steve did his part, contacting Sam and learning that he really had agreed to take Ian shopping for a costume that morning. Steve dressed himself and waited. He knew that today was bound to be an eventful day, so he made himself a cup of coffee and awaited his son’s exit from the room. Today, he would pay a visit to the familiar exhibit at the museum, while Sam took his son out for the day. He needed to pay Bucky a visit with all the memories floating through his mind. He needed to clear it up so he would be able to continue healing. Hell, Steve was even debating attending Sam’s support group later in the day, while allowing Ian to spend some time with “Uncle Tony” or “Uncle Clint.” He’d have to check in with them later. For now, he had a plan for the morning, as his anchor to the world, Ian, had mischievously made plans of his own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me, remember kudos and comments make the world go round!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers experiences trick-or-treating for the first time, thanks to his son, Ian Rogers. Steve never quite realized that while he had saved Ian, it was Ian who really saved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the wait, the school year has really kicked in and I didn't have as much time or muse as I hoped. I hope this chapter makes sense as it was written over the course of a week, on and off. Enjoy!

Halloween came quickly. Of course, Steve didn’t have to worry about handing out candy. Living in Avenger’s Tower had it’s perks. Tony made sure there was someone handing candy out at the door, as for security purposes no one could enter to knock on the individual Avenger’s doors. Even so, Ian was excited to display his “surprise” costume to Steve and he was begging, like any kid would, to go trick or treating. Of course, despite how unfamiliar with the popular Halloween past time Steve was, he obliged. He could deny his son nothing, especially when the boy was so excited.

Steve honestly could not recall if he ever participated in such a practice, he didn’t think he had because most times he was too sickly to trek through the neighborhood begging for candy, half of which he wouldn’t have even been able to eat due to food allergies. Plus, in the 1920s, during his childhood trick or treating wasn’t quite as popular with the Great Depression causing sugar rations to occur, making candy a very large treat rather than something children went door to door begging for. In his early childhood, Steve was the little boy who sat on the stoop of his Brooklyn home attempting to ward off any pranksters and usually ending up with a black eye, bloody nose and fat lip while his property was still damaged and vandalized. Back then, Halloween was a night of mischief, not good clean fun like trick or treating. This was new to Steve, but Ian had learned of it in school and Steve would not deny him the chance to have typical childhood fun, despite the fact that Ian was far from a typical child. 

“You ready to see Ian’s big surprise, Cap?” Sam asked, having come over to help Ian dress in his super secret costume and to walk him around trick or treating with Steve so that Steve didn’t have to worry about walking alone and having other oogle at him because he was Captain America. Sam was going to try to ward others off so that both Steve and Ian could enjoy Halloween as a family. Of course, Steve didn’t mind the fans, but he didn’t want Ian to be in the spotlight, he wanted his son to have some anonymity for now. 

“I’ve been ready, Sam. Ian has been so hush hush about this that I was beginning to wonder what was going on with him. I mean, normally Ian can’t keep his mouth shut but with this...well, he has been quiet.” Steve responded, chuckling. His son was a loud, blunt child who never held back on an opinion or thought. He reminded Steve so much of Bucky when they were children, as it would always be Bucky who jumped into the fray to save Steve and he would never refrain from commenting on how utterly moronic he felt Steve was being at times. Even so, Ian was being secretive and that always made Steve a bit nervous, since that was always when Bucky was at his most mischievous as children.

“Come on out, kid!” Sam called. Ian had been barricaded in his room for the better part of the day, yelling anytime Steve so much as tried to enter. He had been intent on surprising Steve and nothing that his father did had gotten the boy to leave the room. Steve had even had to get Sam to bring his son lunch.

When Ian exited his room, Steve felt himself freeze, stunned by what his son had decided to be for Halloween. He was looking at an almost genuine replica of his own Captain America uniform, worn by the tiny form of his son. Ian’s blue eyes smiled up at him as he took in Steve’s reaction. He was absolutely stunned but at the same time he felt as if his heart had wings. His son, the little boy he had rescued from Zola and been parenting on his own had somehow taken it upon himself to be Captain America for Halloween. The significance was not lost on Steve, though it truly touched his heart and caused biggest smile Steve had put upon his face since being deiced to cross the man’s face. This smile even reached Steve’s eyes, a rarity in recent days. 

”What do ya think, Daddy?” Ian asked, rushing forward to hug Steve’s knees and looking up at him with those beautiful blue eyes that reminded Steve of such better times.

”I think someone is going to make his Daddy cry…” Steve found himself saying, reaching up to wipe at the tears that he didn’t even feel coming before Ian had spoken. The most innocent gesture found Steve far more emotional than most got to witness. He squatted down to wrap his son up into a tight hug, kissing the top of the boy’s head through the mask. “Thank you, Ian.” 

Ian might not have understood why his dad was thanking him, but he giggled and hugged his dad back just as tight. “Everyone at school wanted to be superheroes for Halloween, but I wanted my costume to be really real ‘cause everyone may wanna be superheroes but you are one Daddy and you’re MY hero!”

Once more the most innocent words caused tears to pool within Steve Roger’s eyes and he held his son’s head against his chest, holding him close and smiling through his tears. Ian was the best thing to happen to him. He was calling Steve his hero, but his little man had saved his life. Ian was actually Steve’s hero more than he’d ever know. Without Ian, Steve would have continued his attempts to die recklessly and there would be no more Captain America.

”Hey...while I love seeing the two of you enjoy a father-son moment, I think it’s time that Captain America gets to do some trick-or-treating, what do you think, Ian?” Sam stated, breaking through Steve’s reverie.

Sam’s words snapped Steve out of his thoughts and he chuckled, realizing that this really was his first experience trick-or-treating. He might be the doting father, but he was sure that he’d have fun watching Ian run from door to door and experience childhood in a way that Steve had never gotten to.

”Yeah, come on Daddy!” Ian grabbed onto Steve’s hand, tugging him toward the door.

Just like that, Steve Rogers was off to celebrate his first Halloween in the modern era.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember comments and kudos rock my world and keep my muse flowing! I hope you're all enjoying this story, as I am having fun writing it!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve learns an important lesson in thankfulness from little Ian.

Thanksgiving was a time to be thankful. Yet, Steve Rogers felt his heart thudding within his chest when he was called into the school to conference with Ian’s teacher. Ian was in Kindergarten. Getting called into the school when your child is that young never seemed like a good thing. At least in Steve’s experience it wasn’t. 

When Steve was six his mother had been called into the school for a conference. The week before, Steve had gotten himself hospitalized because he had fought three other kindergarteners on the playground. They had ganged up on him and of course, skinny little Steve Rogers hadn’t stopped until he had a concussion and broken nose...at six years old. He stood up to bullies even then and Steve was worried that his own son was becoming a bruiser.

Steve walked into the school, doing his best to smile. The tension, however, showed in his shoulders and the looks of the secretaries as he signed in and was directed to the conference room did not help. He was certain that he would need to look for a new school for Ian.

What Steve didn’t expect upon walking into the conference room was for a sheepish Ian and his smiling teacher to be sitting and waiting for him. Ian had a nervous grin on his face as he sat in the large, plush chair that looked far too big for him. The teacher, for her part, was grinning from ear to ear, a folder on the table in front of her.

Steve took a seat beside his son, reaching out to ruffle the little boy’s dark hair and smiling as that seemed to relax Ian slightly. His smile eased into a more natural grin and he wiggled in the chair to move the chair closer to Steve’s reaching his small hand out to latch onto Steve’s larger one.

“It is very nice to meet you, Mr. Rogers. I have heard a lot about you and not just in the news but from this young man in here.” The teacher, a pretty young woman with lilting brown curls and cerulean blue eyes, stated. For the life of him, Steve could not remember her name. All he knew was that she reminded him of Peggy, with her kind, knowing smile. He imagined that Peggy would have been a good kindergarten teacher, strict and yet kind, even if he couldn’t actually SEE Peggy wanting to be a teacher. She was someone else he missed, but it wasn’t painful to speak of her like it was Bucky. She had lived a full life and he wasn’t responsible for her fate.

“It’s nice to meet you too Miss...I am so sorry but I can’t seem to remember your name…” Steve blushed slightly, a bit embarrassed by his blunder. However, so far Ian had gotten into no trouble and Steve hadn’t had to communicate with his teacher. Therefore, her name was completely lost on Steve.

“Miss Lincoln, and honestly...I am a bit..stunned. Never in my life did I think I’d be meeting Captain America...or teaching his son for that matter.” Miss Lincoln stated with a nervous giggle. Her voice was soft and a pink blush was creeping up toward her ears.

“Well, you are teaching my son and I have to say you have made me quite a bit nervous…” Steve understood that almost everyone in America knew his name and his face. He couldn’t escape the news stories or fame that being Captain America had given him. However, right now he didn’t want to be Captain America. Right now, he wanted to be Steve Rogers, father to Ian Rogers and he wanted to know why he had been called down to the school for a meeting with his son’s teacher. 

“Oh! Right! Don’t worry, you haven’t been called here because Ian did anything wrong, I promise.” Miss Lincoln stated, standing up and moving toward a presentation board that had been set up in the conference room, covered with a towel to hide the material on the board.

“Then why have I been called here?” Steve asked, a small sigh of relief escaping his mouth as he looked from the teacher to his son. He was certain that most parents would have reacted in the same way he had. However, now he was trying to figure out what could have prompted a conference if Ian wasn’t in trouble.

“Well, with Thanksgiving coming up all of our students were asked to create a presentation on something that they were thankful for. There is a prize for the best presentation. Usually...well...let’s just say kindergarteners are hardly the most creative or...well...thoughtful in the school. So, it’s rare for a child so young to win but Ian...well, he must take after his Daddy because he’s never been the average kindergartener and his presentation is…” Miss Lincoln paused here, grinning widely and looking at Ian. “Maybe I should let Ian show you his presentation so you can see for yourself.”

Steve looked at Ian once more, as his little boy stood up with a grin plastered upon his face. Steve noticed for the first time that Ian wore a Captain America t-shirt, one that Steve was certain he’d never seen before. He watched as his son reached under the table to pull out the helmet from his Halloween costume and place it upon his head. Then, he moved toward the covered board.

There were a lot of things that parents expected when they had children, but Steve was still adjusting to being a parent. He had been thrust into the responsibility of parenthood head first and he had yet to really catch up. All he knew was that he had celebrated setbacks and triumphs with Ian. He had held his son through tears of sensitivity and he had scolded the boy for wrongdoing. Even so, nothing prepared him for the display he witnessed when Ian took the towel from the board.

The presentation was a depiction of every single member of the Avengers team. It had basic information that could be found in newspapers or online, but it also had personal input, written in Ian’s handwriting. This input called them his family, Aunt Nataha...Uncle Tony...Uncle Bruce...Uncle Sam….and it spoke of all of the things that Ian loved and was thankful for when it came to each and every member of the Avengers team. Steve found himself smiling through tears of pride. However, the surprise didn’t end there because Ian had cleared his throat in preparation to present his project.

“Daddy, I wanted ya to see this...so I asked Miss Lincoln to call ya here. I know it looks like it’s about our family….but it’s really about you ‘cause I wouldn’t be here with them if it weren’t for ya...so that’s only part of the project.” Ian stated, a slight lisp in his speech and a nervous grin on his face as he unfolded a piece of paper from his pocket.

Steve watched as Ian’s teacher gave him an encouraging nod and chuckled as he heard Ian clear his throat, as he had heard the adults within the tower do time and time again.

“Okay...so while I’m really thankful for Uncle Tony, for teachin’ me about lots of tech stuff that I don’t really understand yet and I’m thankful for Aunt Tasha ‘cause she’s teachin’ me how to defend myself and Uncle Sam for takin’ me to get stuff to surprise Daddy and playin’ with me...and all the other people in my family, even if we aren’t blood related or nothin’...I’m most thankful for my Daddy ‘cause without him I wouldn’t be here but it’s a lot more than that. I think if it weren’t for my Daddy I’d be a totally different person...not even ME! I mean, I’d be me...but a different me, I guess ‘cause I woulda been raised by a bad, bad man who Uncle Sam sayed hurt Daddy a lot….so I’m thankful for my Daddy for savin’ me and raisin’ me and I’m really really thankful that even if I don’t got a Mommy or grandparents or things like other kids...I got a big family who all help other people every day and sometimes they almost die doin’ it which is scary ‘cause I don’t wanna be left alone...but they do that ‘cause they wanna help other people and protect kids like me and my classmates. So I’m thankful for Uncle Tony, Uncle Sam, Uncle Clint, Uncle Bruce (who I dun think likes me in his lab lots or anythin’), and Aunt Natasha….I’m most thankful for my Daddy who lots of people wouldn’t be here without and who I think needs to smile a lot more ‘cause lots of people love him and I dun like seein’ him sad.” Ian shifted from foot to foot as he finished, looking up at Steve with a grin upon his face.

Steve for his part, was crying. He wasn’t crying tears of sadness though. He was crying tears of joy because his little boy, the child who had HAD saved from HYDRA and Zola, had just told him words that he had needed to hear. He had spoken that much needed advice with the innocence of a child, but that didn’t mean Steve didn’t need to hear them. He had spent the time since his revival from the ice feeling guilty and depressed. He had spent an extended period longing for death to take him, to rejoin him with Bucky and the other commandos. Now, however, Ian was showing him what he had missed. He was telling him that what he had to be thankful for had been right under his nose all along if he had only opened his eyes. Steve’s heart ached at this revelation. However, he knew that he needed to show Ian that he had listened. He needed to smile, one of the first genuine smiles he had emitted in over 70 years. So, he did. He grinned from ear to ear, his eyes shining with the newfound joy his son had provided for him.

“You’re smilin’ Daddy! I guess I did good, right?”

“You did amazing, Ian!” Steve moved to scoop his son up into his arms, to hold him close. He nuzzled his son’s neck, taking in is sent and removing his helmet so that he could run a hand through Ian’s hair. He had needed this more than Ian knew and he had no desire to let his precious son go, not now and not ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me. I hit a bit of a wall, but I finally got over it. If you like it, please comment and give me kudos, when I hit a block, sometimes it just helps knowing people are reading and want more. Updates may be a bit slower with nanowrimo starting, but I will try to run with the muse for this when I get it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Steve spend their first Christmas together, while Steve reminisces about a Christmas long past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, guys! I have had the block of all blocks. Plus, real life got pretty damn hectic for awhile. I hope this was worth the wait, even if it is quite a bit late. Please leave kudos and comments, they make the world go round!

Christmas, a holiday of joy for many but one that reminded Steve of better years and those missing from his life. Bucky. Before the war, he had spent every Christmas since childhood with James Buchanan Barnes. Their mothers had been friends and, well, after Steve’s father died it was left to Sarah to raise Steve on her own. Bucky and Steve had met as toddlers because of it. They were instant best friends and most Christmases were spent cuddled up to one another by the fireplace at Bucky’s house while their mother’s drank tea and shared stories. It wasn’t the traditional family Christmas, but it had been theirs. As they got older, the boys continued to spend Christmas together. The first Christmas after Sarah died had been the worst...and yet Bucky had been there, as always. He never let Steve be alone, even if Steve chose to. He was always there, reassuring Steve even when the stubborn skinny boy would never admit he needed it. Bucky knew, he always knew. 

Actually, after setting up all Ian’s gifts under the tree, Steve had passed out upon the couch, near the fireplace. The warmth of the fire on his skin made the super soldier drift into a blissful sleep, the chocolate chip cookie he had been munching on as he played Santa still in his hand. Even so, there was a smile upon his face, a smile that had not graced his face on Christmas since being de-iced. Yet, this smile was because of a memory of a past Christmas. A Christmas spent with one James Buchanan Barnes. Steve was dreaming of the last Christmas he had spent with Bucky, the one right before he went to war. Despite the years that had passed, many on ice, Steve recalled the memory vividly and he even had a smile on his face as he thought about it.

_“Come on, Stevie! Sing with me…” Once more, Steve wasn’t in the Christmas spirit, but Bucky had dragged him out, just as he always did when Steve wasn’t sick. This was actually the first Christmas since Steve’s mother died that he was healthy for Christmas, with a nice pallor and rosy red cheeks. Yet, Steve still stood with a frown upon his face, as a very drunken Bucky slung an arm around him, trying to convince him to join him in a drunken rendition of “Jingle Bells.” Steve was far from amused. Actually, he wanted to be anywhere but there. In a few days, Bucky would ship out to boot camp and Steve had no idea what he would do. He would be up a creek without a paddle. He liked to think of himself as independent, but the fact is that he was completely lost without Bucky there. They were two sides of the same coin and Steve didn’t know how he was going to survive without Bucky there to bail him out and take care of him. He’d never admit it, but he loved Bucky’s pestering when he was sick. He loved when he came in and saved him at the last minute, even when Steve tried to convince himself and Bucky both that he “had them on the ropes.” He would miss that more than he could say. Actually, it was thoughts of Bucky’s absence that had him in a sour mood on Christmas. He had already lost his mother, he could not bear the thought of losing Bucky too. The very idea made his stomach churn. So, he ignored it._

_Steve Rogers had tried to join the army too, wanting to make a difference and fight the bullies. He wanted to be a hero. However, he had been rejected time and time again due to his various ailments. Actually, he had even tried to lie about those very ailments but even then his size alone and the fact that he couldn’t run a lap without gasping for air...put a damper on that attempt. So it was that this was to be the last Christmas Steve spent with Bucky before the other shipped out to boot camp and Steve was completely miserable, allowing thoughts of what could be to cloud any happiness he might be feeling at what once was an enjoyable holiday. Tradition was about to change and Steve didn’t like this change one bit._

_So, while Steve Rogers stood glumly at Bucky’s side, the soon to be soldier simply sang louder and pulled Steve closer. Steve was miserable, Bucky on the other hand was drunk. He was a very happy drunk too, leaning on Steve and singing “Jingle Bells” loudly and completely off-key. Honestly, if homosexuality was not a sin at the time Steve might have called it adorable. Well, he did in his head because whether the world knew it or not, Bucky was Steve’s boyfriend. Even that, however, did not erase the frown on Steve’s face. Bucky was leaving. He was leaving and there was a chance he might never spend another Christmas with the other. The thought chilled Steve to his very core._

_As the song finished, Bucky turned to Steve, his eyes looking like those of a lost puppy. He kissed Steve’s cheek and ruffled his hair. “Come on, Stevie, stop looking so glum! Live a little! If this is our last night, we might as well enjoy ourselves. I don’t want my last memories to be that frown. I want to see that angelic smile I love so damn much!” Bucky slurred, kissing Steve full on the lips in the middle of the street, in the snow._

_“Fine…” Steve finally agreed, forcing a smile onto his face and joining in the chorus of “Deck the Halls” because drunk or not, he could never ever deny Bucky’s puppy eyes, or kisses._

Steve Rogers was just recalling what happened after that in his dream when suddenly he felt a pressure upon his stomach, startling him and causing him to bolt upright. Panic overtook Steve for a moment before he realized that Ian was sitting on top of him, grinning from ear to ear and practically bubbling over with excitement. Ian. Christmas. He began to recall where he was and what exactly was happening. “Santa” had visited and of course Ian was waking him up. What kid didn’t wake their parents up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning? Even Steve had done so as a kid. When he and Bucky spent Christmas together, they both woke their mothers up together, running through the house and screaming that Santa had come. Now, Steve supposed it was his turn.

“Daddy! Daddy! He came! He came!” Ian’s excited words brought a smile to Steve’s face, one that still didn’t quite reach his eyes as he tried to shake himself from the memory that his subconscious mind had brought up in the dream. He would not allow the past to ruin this for Ian. So, he nodded his head and reached out to attempt to flatten Ian’s unruly dark locks. 

“So, he did. Why don’t you go open your gifts and see if he brought you everything you asked for?” Steve suggested, glancing over at the gifts he had wrapped and placed under the tree for Ian the night before.

“Okay, Daddy, but ya gotta watch…’kay?” Ian’s blue eyes bored into Steve’s and the super soldier couldn’t help but smile and nod at his son. Ian was the only joy he’d had since being de-iced and no matter how many bittersweet memories Christmas brought with it, Steve was determined to give his son the best Christmas he possibly could. Christmas was important to children and he wanted to bring his son the same joy his mother had once brought him. They hadn’t had a lot of money, but Sarah always managed to work miracles to make Christmas happen. Steve didn’t need miracles. He had plenty of money and help from Tony Stark. Even so, he didn’t want his own mood impacting this. So, as he watched Ian climb off of him and rush to the tree, Steve shook off the remnants of his dream to watch his son excitedly open every gift, leaving a trail of wrapping paper where he trod.

When all was said and done, Steve was glad to see Ian playing happily with his new toys. He had succeeded in getting Ian’s list, with help from Sam and Tony. His son was happy and in turn, so was Steve. At least, Steve was as happy as could be. He was a single father, but he had a child. He had someone to brighten up his day and give him a reason to keep going and to be the hero that Ian viewed him as. That was enough for now.

“Daddy, Santa didn’t get me everythin’ I asked for.” Ian’s voice shook Steve out of his reverie. He hadn’t realized that Ian had stopped playing with his toys and approached his father. In fact, Ian had climbed upon the couch and was now hugging Steve tightly, his brow creased into a tiny little frown.

“What do you mean?” Steve was panicked as he looked at his son’s sad face. He had asked Ian to make a list. He had him give it to Sam to deliver to Santa, also known as give to Steve after Ian slept, and he had checked that list over and over while Ian slept to ensure that he didn’t miss anything. Yet, as his son curled against his side, his eyes tearing up, Steve didn’t know what he had missed or how.

“I asked Santa for somethin’ for ya, to make ya happy...but he didn’t bring it ‘cause ya still ain’t smilin’ really.”

Steve couldn’t hide his surprise at his young son’s words. He hadn’t realized that even his little boy could pick up on the fact that he wasn’t really happy, at least not completely. Honestly, Steve didn’t know if he’d ever be completely happy again. He didn’t feel whole, not without Bucky and he was still haunted nightly by the images of Bucky’s fall. However, it broke his heart to realize that his little boy was getting old enough and smart enough to see it, to see through his lies. However, a part of Steve was also pride at the compassion his son was showing, having taken time to ask Santa for something for Steve, not himself and becoming so torn up about the fact that “Santa” didn’t get it for him.

“What did you ask him for, bud?” Steve couldn’t help but be a bit curious as to what his son thought would cure his sadness. 

“A Mommy. Other Daddy’s always seem happy when they got a Mommy to help ‘em and so I thought if Santa brought me a Mommy that’d make you happy too.”

Steve let out a strangled sob at his son’s words, both touched and saddened by the words. His son had no idea the implications. He had no idea that it is not a “mommy” who would make Steve happy, but another Daddy, his biological Daddy if Zola’s words were to be believed.

“Did I say somethin’ wrong, Daddy?” Once again, Ian showed compassion that made Steve’s heart sing despite the deep melancholy pressing down upon him.

“No, bud. I just need to tell you a story, okay?”

So it was that on this Christmas Steve Rogers told his son the story of his love for James Buchanan Barnes, sparing his son no detail and explaining just how much he loved the other man. By the end of the night, he had his son promising to wish for Bucky next Christmas, which only caused another strangled sob to escape Steve Rogers’s lips as he pulled his son closer and kissed his forehead. If only his child’s Christmas wish could come true. That would have been a true Christmas miracle.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve spends Valentine's Day with a very adorable date and reminisces about a very different Valentine's Day back in 1937.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the wait. I had a bit of a block on this chapter, until I came to visit my girlfriend and got the chance to talk it out with her. She helped me to get over my block, so here is the long-awaited next chapter. 
> 
> When I first started this story, I did not intend to write it by holidays throughout the year. However, it seems that is what my muse is making happen. So, Easter will be next. 
> 
> Please give me kudos and comments, they help my muse and keep me motivated to write. :D

Of course, Christmas came and went. Ian got all the toys he could ever hope for. His Christmas was every child’s dream. Yet, he still longed to see his beloved Daddy happy. That’s why on Valentine’s Day the little troublemaker decided to do something drastic. He was going to set his Daddy up on a date. He might not be able to bring Bucky back from the dead, but he could try to make his Daddy happy for one night. So, the child did the only thing he knew how to do, he asked his Uncle Sam for help in finding the perfect date for Steve. Of course, Sam had no idea WHO to set Steve up WITH but he loved Ian’s enthusiasm and gladly helped Ian to set up a candlelit dinner by the window of their apartment in Avenger’s Tower. 

When all was said and done, the only thing missing was a date. That was something the young boy could not control. That was something that Sam Wilson could not seem to help the boy with either, as Steve Rogers had truly kept himself an enigma to most. Everyone knew him at the surface level, but no one truly knew much beyond that. All Sam knew was that Steve would not want a date with a fangirl and those were the only biters he got.

In the end, Sam came up with a plan and when Steve opened the door to his apartment after running some errands, there was someone awaiting him, a bow tie on his neck and a smile on his face. Behind him there was a candlelit dinner of mini hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, and chicken nuggets the only thing Ian Rogers knew how to make with minimal assistance.

Steven Grant Rogers could not stop himself from smiling at the sight before him. Ian Rogers stood in a tuxedo that was a little bit too big for him, socks on his feet and a mischievous grin upon his face. When no date could be found, Sam determined that Ian should be Steve’s date. Valentine’s Day was about love, but no one said it had to be romantic love. No, Steve needed to see just who truly loved him and what better person than his own son, the son who was always aiming to please and impress him.

“Ian, was this your idea?” Steve asked, staring at his son, searching his face with his puppy-dog blue eyes, stunned that his son could think to turn such a challenging day into something wonderful. Honestly, he NEEDED this reminder as much as Ian needed to see him smile. Sometimes in his unending grief and loneliness, he forgot that he had someone who loved him right at his side, looking up to him and depending on him.

“Yeah...I wanted ya to smile, Daddy. I was gonna get ya a date…a real date, not me, but Uncle Sam and I couldn’t find anyone who was good enough for ya….so Uncle Sam thought that maybe we could have a father-son date so he helped me set it all up!” Ian told his father, proudly. His smile could light the room as he motioned behind him to the childish candlelit dinner and the handmade, construction paper hearts and roses that were hung upon the walls. No one could deny that a child had done this, but that only made it all the more meaningful for Steve Rogers. 

“Well, I think this is the perfect date, buddy.” Steve said, wiping a tear from his eye quickly and moving to pick up his son. He held the little boy close, taking in his smell and feeling the child giggling against him, happy that it seemed he had done well. Steve had to admit that he had. In a day that Steve would usually spend hiding away in his room, Ian had brought joy, as he always seemed to do.

”Come on! Let’s eat!” Ian said, squirming and wiggling down from Steve’s arms and grabbing his hand to drag him to the table. “Uncle Sam said we can see ALL of New York City from up here by the window. He said ya can even see the Brooklyn bridge but I dun see it ‘cause there’s too many other buildins’ and I’m too small.”

The mere mention of Brooklyn caused Steve to break into a reverie. Bucky. They had so many good memories in Brooklyn. Life was good there, even when Steve was sickly and his mother had died. Actually, their last Valentine’s Day had been a rather fun day that stood out in Steve's memory. 

_It was a snowy February in 1937. Steve was sitting by the window, painting a snowy Brooklyn and watching the lovers trapeze around outside when there was a knock on the apartment door. Steve wasn’t really sure who it could be. Bucky was still away in the final stages of boot camp. He had lost touch with friends from school. So, he could not think of a single person who would be knocking upon the door, aside from the landlord. However, the rent was on time. Everything was as it should be._

_“Hey Punk, you gonna leave me out here in the hall all day or ya gonna let me in!”_

_Steve’s heart leapt at the familiar gravelly voice. His lips moved upwards into a grin and he opened the door only to throw his arms around his snow-covered boyfriend. He didn’t know how Bucky had managed it, but somehow his boyfriend was here with him. He was here and he was solid. Steve wanted to crawl inside of him and never let go because their souls were intertwined and Steve’s life was miserable without Bucky. However, Steve was small, but nowhere near small enough to melt into Bucky as he wished he could. Even so, he wrapped his arms around the man’s waist and did not let go. In fact, he felt his feet leave the ground and before he knew it, he was in Bucky’s arms being carried to the couch while being showered with kisses._

_To anyone else the sight was probably quite comical, Bucky still in his uniform with his well-toned muscles from training and skinny, sickly little Steve Rogers who weighed maybe ninety pounds soaking wet. He allowed Bucky to carry him, closing his eyes and taking in the scent of freshly rolled tobacco combined with his cologne._

_“How are you here?” Steve’s blue eyes were wide as saucers and he stared curiously at Bucky, leaning up to kiss Bucky’s cheek and to remind himself that Bucky was truly here, fully and completely._

_“Just shut up and kiss me, punk!”_

_Steve obliged of course. He never could deny Bucky anything, especially when he affectionately teased him and gave him that Look with a capital L. Honestly, Steve was nothing without Bucky and the way the muscular man smiled at him made Steve’s heart skip a beat. He craned his neck up and pressed his lips to Bucky’s in a tender kiss._

_“So, how many stupid things have you done while I was gone?”_

_“I dunno, why don’t you check my notebook, Buck.”_

_“That would require moving and I made a special trip to see you on Valentine’s Day. I do not intend to move.”_

_Steve, however, squirmed in Bucky’s arms. His paint. He had to close the paint containers before the paint dried up. If there was one thing he loved just as much, if not more than he loved Bucky, it was his artwork. When Bucky relented, releasing Steve from his vice grip, he watched him curiously._

_“Ya know, I never understood why ya love painting so damn much...maybe today’s as good a day as any to show me. We could paint together.”_

_Steve froze, looking at Bucky. That was new. He had never once considered painting together. However, now that his boyfriend laid out the idea, Steve had to smile at the suggestion. His art was important to him and he was grateful that Bucky was not only acknowledging it, but also trying to understand it._

_Steve motioned for Bucky to join him, reaching into the crate to pull out a second easel and to place a fresh canvas upon it. He heard Bucky’s footsteps and felt arms around his waist and lips upon his neck before anything else._

_“Ya know...on second thought, I could just watch ya paint.”_

_“No. You wanted to do this, so we’re going to do this. I want to paint something with you.”_

_With that, the couple began an attempt to paint a Valentine’s Day bouquet. Steve did his best to show Bucky how to make the different strokes and textures. Bucky did his best to follow. The end product was...nowhere near appealing. Yet, Steve kept it and loved it because it was theirs._

“Daddy?” Ian’s tiny voice broke Steve out of his reverie. Ian. He turned from the window and the view of the Brooklyn bridge and looked at his little boy. The little boy who had become his reason for living. The little boy who had saved him without even knowing it.

“Yes?”

“Are ya thinkin’ about Bucky again?” 

“Actually...yes.”

“Well, maybe next year Santa’ll grant my wish. But...can we eat for now?”

Steve nodded, looking into Ian’s innocent eyes. The same blue and the same eyes as Bucky, his Bucky. He could never deny Ian anything, just as he could never deny Bucky. The two ate and spent the rest of the evening together, watching Disney movies and savoring their time. Steve, however, glanced to the far wall of the apartment where a very familiar canvas, made on Valentine’s Day many years before was hung with a sentimental smile on his face and an ache in his heart. He held Ian just a little bit tighter that night when he went to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Easter morning brings with it a startling discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters within one week...aren't all of you lucky! It seems I have found my muse again and I am hoping to keep this story flowing now that I have an idea of where it's going. Thank you for sticking with me and for the kudos and comments, they really keep me moving and inspired. I hope you enjoy this! I apologize in advance for the cliffhanger.

Easter brought with it another holiday which held even more memories of a childhood spent with James Buchanan Barnes. Sometimes it seemed as if memories of Bucky were unavoidable. Did Steve want to avoid them? No. Yet, the memories left him with a loneliness that even his son’s presence could not heal. Without Bucky, it felt like a part of him was missing. He was home and he had a family now and a life in this era, yet he still felt empty. He still felt as if there was a piece of his very soul missing without Bucky.

“Daddy?” As seemed to be customary, Ian’s voice broke Steve out of his thoughts. 

Steve Rogers was still lying in bed, while Ian poked his head into the bedroom, peeking into the super soldier’s private space where unfinished artwork rested upon easels and completed pieces, as well as artwork Ian made in school, lined the walls. The room was lived in, a sign of how much Ian’s presence had changed Steve’s life, but it also seemed to lack the liveliness that happiness provided. Despite having a reason to live, Steve was still depressed, he was still missing the person who had once been his entire world. Ian kept him moving, gave him a reason to act “okay” but he did not complete him as Bucky once had.

“Daddy...the Easter Bunny left a basket in the living room...but I found this weird egg in my bedroom.It don’t look like the others the bunny left.” Ian’s words were soft, yet they held in them a fearful curiosity. In his hand, Ian held an egg. A badly painted attempt at making the arm of the ghost known to SHIELD as The Winter Soldier. Yet, Steve knew those brush strokes. He knew that style. Bucky. The egg held the same pattern as the Valentine’s Day painting that Bucky had once tried to “help” Steve paint. The strokes were a sloppy attempt at being artistic. They looked exactly like Bucky’s strokes all those years ago on Valentine’s Day. 

“Impossible…” Steve took the egg from his son, gently, unsure what this meant. Part of him grew hopeful, excited even. Yet, there was another part of him that grew fearful. He knew this could be a coincidence. He knew this could be viewed as a threat from one of the most feared assassins in the world. The Winter Soldier did not fail. If this egg was related to him, someone could have put a hit out on Steve. Yet, the brush strokes were familiar and Steve could feel the dangerous emotion of hope swelling in his heart and soul. Bucky. This could be from Bucky. He didn’t know how, but somewhere in his heart he knew that it was possible.

“Daddy...is somethin’ wrong?”

“Ian, this was in your room?”

When the boy nodded, Steve stared at the egg for a moment, warning flags going off in his mind now. His attitude shifted from a hopeful man wishing for a sign from a lost love to a protective father. While the hope was still festering within Steve’s heart, there was another reaction occurring due to paternal instincts. Protectiveness. It hit him all at once that someone had been inside Ian’s room. Someone had left an egg with the symbol of one of SHIELD’s most wanted assassin’s within an innocent child’s room...HIS innocent child’s room. 

Steve was no fool. He might be depressed and a bit selflessly impulsive at times. He might be struggling. Yet, he was also a super soldier. He was Captain America. His instincts were strong. This egg had been left in his son’s bedroom and the mere thought that someone had entered, unknowingly, while they lived in one of the most well-guarded buildings in all of New York, set off red flags.

“Daddy, you’re scaring me…” Ian had clearly picked up on his father’s alarm and he stared at Steve with eyes wide as saucers, biting his bottom lip nervously.

“Come on, we have to go see Uncle Tony.”

Steve was not playing games. Someone had been in their home. Someone had entered Ian’s room. Steve needed to know who it was and why. This tower had security cameras everywhere. There was no way someone had entered without a single camera taking notice. 

“What about my basket and the egg hunt?”

“Bring the basket with you, okay? You can eat all the chocolate you want. I just have to take care of something.”

A few minutes later found Ian on the floor in the tower’s security office, digging through his Easter basket, while Steve watched as Tony directed Happy to look through footage of the last twenty four hours. 

It was just after footage of Steve placing the last egg for the hunt and climbing into bed after checking on Ian, that a form entered Steve’s tower apartment through an open window. How the man had managed to climb high enough to get in the window, no one knew. However, Steve watched the muscular form in the darkness of Ian’s room. He saw the egg placed down on the nightstand, where Ian had found it. Then, the figure turned toward the camera, his face illuminated by Ian’s nightlight and Steve felt his heart skip a beat.

“Pause it there, Happy.” Tony stated, freezing the screen right on the familiar face, with it’s haunting blue eyes. “Do you know who that is, Cap?”

Steve’s silence spoke volumes. Did he know? Of course he did. He would know those icy blue eyes anywhere. Those eyes haunted his dreams night after night. They were more than familiar, they were home. Steve had dreamed of seeing them over and over, but not like this. Not staring out of the face of a wanted man. Not staring out of the face of the Winter Soldier, the armed assassin with one arm. That was not what he expected and it broke Steve’s heart to see the metal arm and to know that Bucky HAD somehow survived that fall, but he had become someone Steve no longer recognized, outside of those eyes.

“Daddy, is that Bucky?”

Ian took everyone by surprise as he spoke. It seemed that the grown men crowding around the security monitors had forgotten about the little boy digging through his Easter basket. Yet, now he spoke and Steve’s pained eyes softened and he looked to his son, trying to come up with an answer for such an innocent question. 

“It looks like the paintin’ of Bucky ya did…’cept his hair is longer and ya never painted Bucky wearin’ black like that. Why’s his arm shiny like that?” 

“Steve?” Tony was looking at the first avenger curiously. Everyone in the room knew what the Winter Soldier looked like. He was an elusive ghost that even Natasha, with her specific skill set, had been unable to stop or catch. Yet, here he was with Bucky’s face, placing an egg in Ian’s room.

“Bucky…” One word escaped Steve’s mouth. One word alone. Then, he was desperately digging into his pocket, pulling out the egg. This was not the Winter Soldier’s doing. This was not some warning from the assassin. This was Bucky. He knew it. The man staring at the camera had no hard, blank eyes. He did not have the look of an assassin. He had the look of a desperate man and Steve knew there had to be a reason that this egg was placed into Ian’s room. Bucky was trying to tell him something.

“Daddy?”

Steve glanced at Tony once more, muttering a quick thank you, before picking Ian up and rushing out of the security room and back to their apartment. He ignored Tony’s calls from behind him. He ignored Happy calling out, trying to warn Steve to be cautious. He was heading to his apartment. He had to see what Bucky was trying to tell him in the privacy of his own home. 

Once Steve got back to his apartment in the tower, he placed Ian upon the ground and opened the egg he held in his other hand. 

Inside there was a single, small scrap of paper which read _40°43′54″N 73°57′28″W_. Within moments, Steve was hanging up with Sam. Within a half hour, Ian was being thrust into Sam’s arms and Steve was rushing out of the tower on a mission that was his and his alone, his heart thundering in his chest as he finally felt alive again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve arrives at the coordinates within the egg and comes face to face with a ghost from the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three updates within a week! My muse has been revived and I have actually had the time to sit down and bang out some chapters. I want to thank my beautiful girlfriend for her support in this, without her I probably would not be on such a roll with these chapters. She has kept me motivated and has really made writing this fun. 
> 
> I'm not sure how many more chapters are left of this story, but I do think we are getting to the end. 
> 
> As usual, please leave kudos and comments if you like the story. I appreciate the positive feedback and its nice to know that people are reading and enjoying the story.

Steve knew that the others would probably degrade him once they knew what he was doing. Even so, he didn’t care. They would see this as entering the lion’s den. They would see him falling into a trap created by the Winter Soldier. For Steve, this was no such thing. This was about Bucky. His Bucky. The eyes he saw in that security footage were not the hooded eyes of a deadly assassin. No. The eyes he saw were the desperate eyes of a man who needed help, a man who was so familiar to Steve, but who was supposed to be dead.

The address that the coordinates led him to was that of a historic apartment building in Brooklyn. Steve recognized the place easily. This was HIS old apartment building. He had grown up here, with Bucky beside him. They had lived here together after Steve’s mother died. The building had been remodeled and changed through the years, but Steve would recognize it anywhere. This was Bucky’s doing. Whatever was going on, Steve knew that the Winter Soldier would not send him here. Whatever had happened to the person who held his heart and soul, he had brought Steve here for a reason and the very building was another clue that it was Bucky sending this message, not the wanted assassin.

There had only been coordinates on the paper, but Steve knew where Bucky would be. 204. That had been his apartment once and he was 100% sure that was where he’d find Bucky, along with the answers he sought.

Steve didn’t have time or patience for the elevator that had been placed in the building. No. He rushed right to the steps, taking them two at a time and slamming the door open to rush down the hall to apartment 204. Once there, he froze. What if he was wrong? Yes, he had been 100% sure this was where he was being sent when he stood outside the building, but now doubt and fear were surfacing. What if this was a trick? What if a stranger opened the door? What would Steve do then? He didn’t think he could handle the heartbreak of losing Bucky again, of losing the trail that he felt Bucky was leaving him. Surely, if Bucky did not open the door, there would be nothing to stop Steve from falling apart, not even Ian.

As Steve raised his hand to knock, the door opened and a strong arm grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside. He heard the lock click behind him. Steve was afraid to look up, afraid of who might be looking back at him. Yet, he didn’t have much choice because the moment his wrist was released, a gentle hand reached up to cup his chin and lift it. Within seconds he was staring into icy blue eyes he knew well and had always known well. Bucky.

Steve wasn’t sure what to say. He saw fear in the other’s eyes, as well as hope...a hope that they both shared now. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but he knew that whatever it was, he would do anything to get rid of that fear and to have Bucky at his side once more. Then and only then would Steve Rogers finally feel whole and complete again.

“Bucky…” Steve couldn’t bring himself to say more. What could he possibly say? He had seen Bucky die, yet he was here and alive just as much as Steve was. 

“Steve.”

“What...what are you doing, Buck? You...everyone thinks you’re the Winter Soldier and now there’s footage of you sneaking into my apartment in the tower, into my son’s bedroom...what….what is going on?” Steve swallowed the lump in his throat, his blue eyes showing Bucky both concern and fear. He feared what the others would do if they followed him and saw him with the Winter Soldier. Hell, he feared what he would do to protect Bucky from them, from his friends.

“They don’t think it, Steve. They know it. I am the Winter Soldier...or, I was. I don’t do that anymore.” Bucky’s voice was gruff and gravelly. It sounded as if he had not actually spoken in quite some time and it pained Steve to hear it. He could feel daggers piercing his heart at the sound.

“Well, a lot of people seem to think you do. My team...I can guarantee they see your actions as a threat.” Steve knew they did. He could see it on Tony’s face as they reviewed the security footage. He could hear it in Sam’s tone and he called after Steve, trying to stop him from going to the location. Yet, no one could stop Steve and he had the paper in his hand. No one else knew where he was, unless of course he was followed.

“I know...but it was the only way. HYDRA has been tracking me.”

“Bucky, I don’t understand…”

“That’s because you’re not listening, punk.”

That was the truth. Steve was lost in Bucky’s eyes. He was lost in the fact that his lost love was here before him, in flesh and blood. He was alive. In Steve’s mind nothing else mattered and he didn’t really want to understand. He didn’t want to consider the reality that Bucky was being hunted by more than one group. He didn’t want to consider the reality that his Bucky was lost somewhere within the Winter Soldier and that he had committed countless murders. To Steve, that wasn’t Bucky and he did not want to face that reality, so he wasn’t listening.

Now, he had to though. As Bucky’s eyes bore into his and Bucky called him out on it, he knew that he would have to listen.

“Fine. What do I need to know, Buck? Tell me, so that I can help you.”

“I am the Winter Soldier...or at least I was. HYDRA saved me after I fell from the train. I became the Winter Soldier. They controlled me. I did as I was told. I thought you were dead...they told me you were. I...that destroyed any resistance I had. I gave up. What reason did I have not to?”

“But then that wasn’t you, Buck. If they were controlling you, that wasn’t you who did all of those things.”

“That’s the thing, Steve. I may not have been in control, but I AM him and I remember it all.”

“Okay...but what changed?”

“You. A year ago, the newspapers reported the return of Captain America. You were on the cover of every newspaper and you made the headlines on every channel. The first avenger had returned. New York City was saved by the avengers with your help. You were everywhere. HYDRA lost their leverage. I fought their control. I escaped. I...I found myself again, or as much of myself as I could.”

“Why not come see me sooner? Why have you been hiding?”

“Well, for one, hiding it what I do best.”

“Come on Bucky, be serious.”

“I am! Hiding is what I have been trained to do. They don’t call the Winter Soldier a ghost for no reason. Besides, I escaped HYDRA but do you really think they’d just let their most beloved asset go, Steve? No. They’ve been tracking me and in turn, you. Going to see you openly would have been suicide for us both...and then you went and got yourself a kid! I couldn’t put Ian in danger.”

“He’s yours.”

“What?”

Steve watched as Bucky’s eyes widened. He backed away from Steve, the place where his hand had rested on Steve’s chin now feeling cold and empty. His eyes were wide like saucers, mirroring Ian’s own eyes when he had found the egg. There was no doubt in Steve’s mind anymore that Ian was Bucky’s flesh and blood. He bore Bucky’s expressions and Bucky’s shocked response only made Steve chuckle because of it.

“You heard me. He’s yours. Zola, I’m not sure how but he had your DNA and he created Ian. He used him to taunt me and I saved him. I...sometimes I’m not sure that there’s not some alternate purpose in Ian. It seemed almost too easy, saving him. Yet, he’s mine and he...he’s kept me going.”

“How do you know it isn’t a trick, Steve? HYDRA lost me. They lost me and have been tracking me. How do you know Ian isn’t part of their game?”

“And if he is? Bucky, he’s a child. YOUR child. If you look at him, you’ll see that. Whatever their purpose was in making him, he’s mine now and he...he would never do anything to harm me or even you. They don’t have him.” Steve knew his son. He knew that no matter what Zola’s purpose had been in making the boy, the purpose was lost. Ian was loyal to Steve and the avengers. He was a child, but he understood the world his father lived in, what Steve fought for. He would never serve their purposes now. At least, not knowingly.

Bucky sighed and Steve could practically see the gears working in Bucky’s mind. He reached over to touch Bucky’s shoulder. “Bucky, it’s alright. Whatever is going on, we’ll deal with it.”

“How, Steve? I have HYDRA tracking me on one end and now YOUR team on the other. I needed to talk to you because you are the only thing that makes sense. I know who I am because of you...but I’m not the same, you need to understand that.”

“I do! I don’t care, Buck. You are James Buchanan Barnes. You are my best friend and the love of my life. I don’t care what you’ve done when HYDRA had you under their thumb. That wasn’t YOU. You may remember it, but it wasn’t you and WE are going to fix this. We are going to make them understand.”

“How?” One word and one word only escaped Bucky’s lips as he looked up at Steve, his eyes locking on Steve’s. In that look, Steve saw the world. He saw exhaustion and fear. He saw doubt. He saw that Bucky seemed to feel he had the entire world resting on his shoulders. Yet, Steve knew something that Bucky didn’t seem to understand yet. _Bucky wasn’t alone._

“Well, you do have Captain America on your side.”

“Steve, HYDRA is tailing me. For all I know, they could know I’ve been hiding here. I can’t put you in danger like that. I told you, I may not be the Winter Soldier anymore, but I remember what he’s done and….I can’t do that to Ian.”

“You won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Buck, I’m not losing you again…” There was a desperation in Steve’s eyes as he said it, as he locked eyes with Bucky. He was practically begging the man not to leave him again because he knew that he wouldn’t survive it. The only reason he was still alive now was Ian. Yet, knowing Bucky was alive and in danger, even Ian would be unable to keep Steve safe after this. There was no going back now. Steven Grant Rogers had a reckless streak and if James Buchanan Barnes even tried to leave him again, he would not sit back quietly and let it happen.

“Steve, I can’t ask you to do this.”

“You’re not, I’m offering. Buck, I am not losing you again. I can’t.”

“What do you intend to do? You have a life, Steve, and a little boy who needs you.”

“He needs you too. YOU are his father. He has heard all about you. He asked Santa to bring you back to me for Christmas.”

Bucky looked at Steve once more, trying to read the meaning behind his words. Yet, he knew without a doubt that Steve was being truthful. He wasn’t a liar. Steve was the person who stood up to liars and bullies. He demanded respect. He wouldn’t lie to Bucky now. So, Bucky hung his head and sighed. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy but when Steve Rogers had something in his head, there was no changing it.

“Steve, we need a plan.”

“I know that. I know. I can’t take you back to the tower, there’s cameras everywhere and SHIELD would want you in custody instantly. Then...I don’t know what they’d do. But, if HYDRA is tailing you…”

“SHIELD custody could protect me from HYDRA…”

“It’s a gamble, but there are a few people I trust in SHIELD and...well, if you really do remember who you are...well, maybe they could use you.”

“So, now you’re suggesting I become a SHIELD operative?”

Steve sighed and looked at Bucky. “Is that so unreasonable? Buck, SHIELD can keep you safe from HYDRA. If you can prove to them that you’re a changed man, that HYDRA controlled you...why wouldn’t they want you as an operative?”

“What if it’s not what I want?”

Steve scanned Bucky’s face, trying to figure out what he was thinking. This was the only plan Steve had right now. This was the only thing he could possibly see working. If HYDRA was tracking him, SHIELD was the only chance he had of safety without hiding. Steve couldn’t hide with Ian. They’d never be safe and Ian would be a liability. He would slow them down. Steve couldn’t leave him though. He had saved Ian and he didn’t trust anyone else to keep the boy safe and out of HYDRA’s hands.

“Then you’re on your own, Buck. I...I can’t lose you, but we cannot go on the run with Ian. We would never last.”

“Fine. I’ll do it. For you. For Ian. I’m not thrilled with this, but I’d rather take my chances with SHIELD than with HYDRA. But, you have to be the one to bring me in. You have to be there. I don’t trust anyone else to handle it.”

Steve nodded, stepping forward and cupping Bucky’s face in both hands. “Okay.” Then, without another word, Steve had pressed his lips to Bucky’s offering up a gentle kiss as an offering of peace and goodwill. He would not allow anything to happen to Bucky. He would bring him into SHIELD on his terms. He would remain at Bucky’s side and he would only allow those that he trusted to interrogate Bucky and to handle his rehabilitation, as he was sure they’d call it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky flee from chaos and danger. In doing so, the two recall the innocent teenage years they spent cutting school more than attending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I updated. As a teacher, this school year has really given me a run for my money. Plus, I've had some personal struggles. Real life has really gotten in the way. However, I am back and hopefully if my muse sticks around I'll begin updating this regularly again. 
> 
> Kudos and comments rock my world and fuel my muse....so please leave me some. :D Thanks!

Chaos. The moment Steve stepped outside chaos ensued. Bullets flew through the air. Fists connected with flesh. SHIELD and HYDRA were clashing right within the building Steve had grown up in. His past was colliding with his present. Steve fought beside Bucky, just as he was always meant to. They worked perfectly in tandem, two halves of one soul. Soulmates. Best friends. They moved as one. For Bucky it was about survival. For Steve, it was about Bucky. The most important thing for Steve right now was to protect Bucky. Protect Bucky at all costs.

Steve stood back to back with Bucky, ready to fight for him. The problem that Steve found was that they didn’t quite know who to fight since SHIELD wanted Bucky in custody just as much as HYDRA wanted him. Even so, Steve couldn’t easily fight SHIELD agents because technically, he worked for them. However, with the dancing bodies all around them, it was hard to determine which agents were SHIELD and which were HYDRA. Steve blocked any attacks on the pair of them that he could. However, they were outnumbered and this was one battle that SHIELD and HYDRA were battling side by side. They were fighting for Bucky. The Winter Soldier. HYRDRA’s asset and SHIELD’s most wanted criminal. Steve, however, was fighting for James Buchanan Barnes, the man underneath those names and titles. He was fighting for the man who was still remembering who he was, the same man who had stolen Steve’s heart long ago. 

Steve knew this was a losing battle. He knew there was only one solution in all this. Run. They could keep fighting, but eventually, SHIELD or HYDRA would have them and Steve might not have a chance to explain things. No. If they were to get Bucky to SHIELD it had to be on their terms. Right now, their only option was to run. Run and hide. Bucky was good at hiding and Steve, well, this was his neighborhood he knew every hiding spot there was. He had hidden in many of the alleys when avoiding bullies. This shouldn’t be all that different. At least, that is what Steve was telling himself. 

Steve didn’t need to say a single word to get Bucky to follow him. The two fought as one. Their bodies moved in one fluid motion and were it not for Steve’s blonde hair, it would be hard to tell one apart from the other, as they moved in unison. One moment they were dodging bullets. The next, they seemed to have disappeared leaving SHIELD and HYDRA to continue their clash and providing the two super soldiers with a few extra minutes to find a hiding spot.

Naturally, Steve led the way. He might not be the waifish little boy he once was when he roamed the labyrinth of alleyways, but he knew the way by heart. He also knew the perfect hiding place. He led Bucky down alleys and up fire escapes. He didn’t stop until the sound of the battle was far behind and they were on the roof of a building both familiar and foreign. John Jay High School...or what once was John Jay High School. This was the school where the two boys had made many memories. This very roof was the place the two boys often escaped to when Steve needed to be patched up and Bucky just couldn’t take the nagging from teachers and administration. No one, not even HYDRA, knew of those memories and Steve figured if they were to be safe anywhere to regroup….this would be the place. 

“So...where exactly are we?”

Steve looked at Bucky, remembering his earlier words. While Steve remembered every detail of their life...Bucky did not. He was trying to learn, but he had warned Steve that he wasn’t the same. So, Steve turned to him with a gentle and warm smile, a smile reserved for Bucky and Bucky alone. 

“You probably don’t remember it...but we spent a lot of time here as teenagers. That is...when I was well enough to be here and when you decided to show up.” Steve responded, keeping his eyes on the ground below them, making sure they had not been followed and that they were truly safe.

Steve watched Bucky’s eyes narrow and he smiled a bit to himself. He was trying to remember. That mattered more to Steve than whether or not he was successful. He was trying and that was all Steve could ask. He would help him along.

“See that door…” Steve motioned to the door in the center of the roof before continuing, “that door is how we got up here. If we were to go through it now, though it is probably locked and we might set off an alarm in this world...but when we were teenagers, that door led us from the walls of our high school to our world...a world where you could patch my bloody noses up and shower me with kisses and no one was any wiser.”

“I skipped classes too...and met you up here...right?” Bucky looked at him, trying to decipher if what he was recalling was, in fact, reality or if he had made it up.

“That’s right. You hated school. You struggled to read and write and I helped when I could...but I was sick a lot and missed a lot of school. So, when I was in school and it got to be too much….we’d pass a note and meet up here. Sometimes, we’d climb down the fire escape and cut school altogether and we’d think our mothers had no idea. I think they did….they just never said anything.” Steve smiled at the memories, looking down the building into the alleyway they used to make their escape. “Sometimes we went to Coney Island, especially in the spring when the weather was warm.”

Bucky smiled and Steve took that as a good sign, a sign that he was remembering the same exact memories Steve was. He could hear it now, the laughter and music. He could feel the wind on his face and taste the sweetness of the cotton candy that he and Bucky shared. On a good day, they would ride some rides and then sneak down onto the beach to kiss under the boardwalk. On a bad day, Bucky would end up carrying an exhausted and sickly Steve home, apologizing to his mother for keeping him “after school” too late. Steve would be out of school at least a week after a bad day...but it was worth it. When it came to Bucky, anything was worth it. 

“I didn’t graduate….I don’t think.”

“No, you didn’t…neither of us did. You dropped out as soon as you could and got a job, helped your mom pay the rent. I stuck it out as long as I could but when my mom got sick….I dropped out to take care of her.” Steve confirmed, sighing. This school held the key to so many memories, yet neither of them had walked out of there with a diploma. Steve, however, had gotten his GED. He’d promised his mother he would and he had kept that promise. There wasn’t much out there for a frail, delicate boy like Steve in terms of work, so a diploma was important to his mother. “You joined the army, but there wasn’t a spot for a kid like me.”

“A kid like you….you mean you really were the damn delicate flower the museum portrayed you as before becoming Captain America?” Bucky raised his eyebrows, giving Steve a playful shove and a wink to show that this was something he DID remember and that he knew Steve was far from a delicate flower. The kid that Steve had once been had spirit, even if he couldn’t win a fight to save his life. 

“Oh shut up, you know what I mean! I tried to join over and over again...rejected every single time. That is until you were shipping out and I met Dr. Erskine. He gave me a chance and...well, the rest you know.”

“Yeah, the rest I know. You became Captain America. I became a ghost….”

“Not anymore, Buck. You’re home now….” With those words, Steve cut Bucky off with a kiss, not allowing him to say anymore. They were safe from HYDRA and SHIELD. They were safe from it all, for now, and Steve was not going to go any longer without kissing the lips he called home, without feeling the spark that gave him life. 

**Author's Note:**

> This story came to my head after an rp with my other half,bucky_barnes481, and has taken on a mind of it's own. Initially, I planned to make it a one-shot, but that plan went out the window the moment clear delineations in sections began. I have no idea how many parts this story will have, but if you like it please encourage me with kudos and comments, they make the world go round! :D


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